Sunday, February 20, 2011

Day 7: The House Hunt

February 19th, 2011

Today was as close to great as I have had in a LONG time! Although I woke up in the usual pain, but was woken up by the man I love the most in this world: My Husband! Not by his voice, but my cell phone going "Woohoo! Text Message!" repeatedly as he spammed my phone with "hello, hello, hello, hello, hello." If I wasn't so happy to hear from him I probably would have gotten pissed.

Mom and I had decided to go drive past a couple of houses that I am interested in. They are both in Auburn. One is a 3 bedroom, 2 full bathroom home with a three quarter acre lot. The second house I'm probably not going to talk about much, other than to say if I was healthy and wealthy enough to put humpty dumpty back together again, I would jump at the chance. Unfortunately it is way out of my financial ability, or physical ability, despite the increble dreams and possibilities for the property. So back to House #1

As we were going there, I had my "YES! THE WTF MOMENT OF THE DAY!" as we drove past a homeless guy pissing in some bushes underneath the freeway. It's those moments that really, just really, can make the day. And you know what? Seeing a homeless guy piss under a freeway, just made my day. Yep.

This house is immediately bordered by two things. The first, is a beautiful park. The second, is the back end field of an elementary school. We were there when school was out, and I was excited to see all the kids playing outside, and parents that were playing with their children in the area. Tossing a football back and forth, riding bikes, all sorts of things. It made my heart warm. The property itself has a "come to me" type of aura. I felt invited there. Not to mention the 7-11 down the street has MY MONSTERS!!! OH MUH GAWD!

At the same time, the property itself is HUGE. The lot itself is big enough to subdivide into at least three properties. Only keeping in mind that some day, we would like to have a property where mom can live in her own home, but right next door. To some that would be extremely odd, but not to us. She's my best friend!

My mom and I have an incredibly close relationship. As far as things go, I can only say that there are a handful of direct people that have seen and stood with me through every single aspect of borderline personality disorder that I have. Even though I was only diagnosed in Texas, I have had it for.. ever.. and the more I learn about it, the more I understand why I react to certain things in certain ways, and why I do some of the things I do that I have tried to change for aGEs, Not everyone might believe I have BPD, and in fact I have had several people tell me 'no, Maria, you don't have that!' But in fact, I do.

After we drove past the properties and took some video footage and some pictures of the outsides, I was not ready to go home again. I finagled mom into driving me to Barnes and Noble, and we looked around at books for a good couple of hours. I found some books instantly that I wanted to purchase, but knowing I am on a budget, after picking them all up, realizing I couldn't hold them and stand up off my walker to set them down, put them back on the shelf, and in so doing was able to move on to not purchase them that instant. I can be horribly impulsive and it devastates our financials. Furthermore I can become aggressively defensive over that impulsive choice, even if I am also sitting there going "WHY DID I BUY THAT??" And then blaming myself into a horrible cycle of depression.

I've often felt crazy, so to realize that all of my behaviors and feelings fit DIRECTLY into a diagnosis makes me feel... almost.. incredibly sad and yet vindicated. I am not crazy.

Well, anywhoo... I keep bringing up borderline personality disorder because I bought a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells, When someone you love has borderline personality disorder". I read a third of the book last night, and probably another third tonight, if I don't finish it. Reading it is hard though. As I read, I identify with all of the actions, and then they describe how that action affects the 'non-BPD' in the situation. Which is totally not in any way how I feel about it, but then it says that the borderline and the non-borderline may see the same situation in completely seperate realities, that are all completely unconscious behaviors. So how do you stop an unconscious behavior? I have been working for years to identify when I am getting angry and how to deal with it. Or how to deal with other emotions or situations that come up.

I have learned that when I am about to rage at my husband, that I can articulate to him that I am in a rage and that at this time, I cannot be held by him, talked to, kissed, or ANYTHING at that moment. I have also learned how to communicate that while I am about to rage, or during, or after, that rage was not directed at him, that it had nothing to do with him- and how important it was for him to remember that I can't control when I freak out, but to know that I do love him, I DO LOVE HIM, and that I don't want to hurt him, and how he can't take me personally when I am in a rage.

How I can say things that may be true (right then in that moment) but in five minutes I feel a completely different way. Reading this book just puts me on edge wondering how much every friendship I have had has been affected by this behavior that I never realized, or never understood because of the disorder itself and the type of thinking involved in each behavior.

Analyzing one's self in incredibly frustrating.

I want ice cream.


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