Sunday, February 20, 2011

Day 6: Bring on the Pain

February 18th, 2011

Last night was brutal. Just brutal. I had so much anxiety driving to that seminar, that it was almost not even worth it. Of course, the seminar itself I was incredibly disappointed with. Don't get me wrong, there were some good parts, a couple of inspiring parts (One that almost made me cry), but as a whole? I wanted to just get out of there. Except I couldn't. The whole, respecting limits thing. I wasn't going to leave and drive fresh off a dose of morphine= that would be just stupid. So I stayed and crocheted a pig.

On my way home, I got somewhat lost in the neighborhood outside the library. I was doing alright until I decided I was going to stop at 7-11 for a movie. I ended up driving over the curb, over a sidewalk, into the parking lot. *slams head on keyboard*

Not only is that embarassing, it fucking scary. Scary as HELL. Thank god for my best friend Tana, who helped me calm down via text and helped me process what was happening so I didn't just freak out. I went in and got some 'gummy grizzly bears', an ice cream cookie, and a Sobe green tea. I got the movie 'Red' from the Redbox, but didn't watch it last night.

Instead, I'm going to watch it with mom when she gets home from work tonight.

Otherwise, today has been a complete nightmare. I have a feeling this is only the beginning of what I'm going to be feeling like. I am not excited.

Irritable, feeling constant pain, any movement just sending shots of sharp twinges through my back, hip, and thigh. I started taking a pen and drawing everywhere I felt the pain.

I've slept as much of the day as I can. Everytime I wake up, it's cringing, and everytime I try and roll over, it's another shot of agony.

Mom woke me up when she got home. It wasn't even 1 a.m. yet! Can you believe it? Home early. Guess she was excited to watch the movie. *chuckle* And it was a DAMN good movie!

Comedy, guns, exploding people, love, and I have to say, Even though I HATE John Malkovich, I absolutely ADORED him in this movie. Just something about him playing a guy who was experimented on with LSD for 11 years that just makes me giddy on the inside.

After the movie, mom and I got my pills ready for this next week. I'm still taking the gabapentin because it has made such a difference and I am convinced it will continue to. I am also taking my celexa, because I know me, and I know how much that antidepressant helps me. I have to take it every day- it isn't one that stores up in the body. Any of my closest friends can tell if I haven't taken it, the instant change of anger and frustration is palpable. I am also taking the elavil my neurologist prescribed. He said it could enhance the gabapentin's effects, and it is also an antidepressant, although he said at the dosage I am at, it does not generally have the effect of an antidepressant. Also, Lybrel. It's a birth control pill.

Even though my husband is overseas, if I quit taking it, it's likely that it could trigger some sort of menses like thing even though I am in menopause- the issue is my vaginal stenosis due to graft versus host disease. Someday I'll be going to a reconstructive surgeon to fix it, but that day is not today, nor tomorrow. Unfortnately I have a large...... some sort of cyst type thing the size of a fist (roughly) because of stopping Lybrel back in October for a couple of weeks. I trust my gynecologist at the S.C.C.A. She has been gentle and understanding with me ever since she met me back in 2007. She has never pushed anything on me, always appreciating my decisions and my own knowledge. I appreciate her. I respect her.

We also spent time seeing how many Morphine ER pills I have, and how we can taper down my extended release dose. We have it set now for what we have-- we only have 3 weeks worth and are going to just go with it. Hopefully within my mountain of library books I picked up we will glean useful information that we can utilize to help deal with, ease, or completely reduce the pain before that point. I am not looking forward to not having pain suppression.. every time I have gotten to that point the pain was so bad I became completely suicidal. Joy.


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