Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Day 11: Killer Whales and Drugs.

February 23rd, 2011

Orca's. My entire life I have been fascinated and have held an amazing beloved place in my heart for orca whales. No lie. Not because of their other moniker 'killer whales', or because they make a great show at Seaworld (and the show really is great). To be honest, I'm not exactly sure why I love them so much. But isn't that true for all things we truly love?

The news says that it's the J-Pod coming through. They've reported sighting only three whales, one being a baby. This makes me happy, and yet brings feelings of sadness also. One of my greatest memories in my childhood is seeing a pod of what seemed like hundreds of killer whales. The image so idyllic, so beautiful, sometimes I wonder if it was just a picture I saw. It wasn't, but it sure could have been.


Win for my team!

Yesterday mom and I drove around to a little park called Seaview Park. We found two geocaches there! This is the first time I have gone geocaching since... I lived in Texas and went with a friend there. I adore sharing my love of geocaching with others. The thrill of finding a geocache can be amazing!

For the muggles reading, a geocache is generally a container of any size (smaller than a penny to large ammo cans or large buckets) that are hidden by fellow geocachers, and listed on a website such as, and then found by others using GPS coordinates. Of course, Groundspeak (the head behind sells an app for android phones and iphones and whatnot for $9.99 that takes out SO MUCH of the work that it used to involve for me to go geocaching, that it makes finding the caches easier, but leaves the fun and thrill of it all.


WHOA! Did that JUST happen? I mean.. did I JUST HEAR THAT?? President O'Bama is saying "yes" to making all Gay Marriage in the United States LEGAL? *dumbfounded* I have no comment at this time. I figure I'll wait for the idiots to freak out and make their crazy outlandish claims of destroying the country before I make my obnoxious remarks about said idiocy. I personally have no problem with it, because I have something called, "tolerance".


Today, after yesterday's outing, has been tough at best. I have spent most of my day in bed, only getting out of it for basic needs. I keep saying it was worth it, but what a price in pain.

Mom made a comment last night that frustrated me so greatly. She views everything as getting better since I started tapering down the morphine. If she only knew how wrong she was. One of the biggest arguments they had for saying that I was addicted to morphine is this "she sleeps so much." Well guess what, I'm also taking gabapentin. And I've been having increases of the dosages for a long time. Those increases, also cause a lot of sleep. And then my neurologist prescribed elavil. Which increases the effects of gabapentin, and can by itself make you sleepy. So am I tired? Yes. Do I sleep alot? Yes. And look here, the amount of morphine I am taking is INCREDIBLY reduced, and yet I am still sleeping a LOT. What is the different between now and then? I'm in more pain. But Hey! It's proof I'm an addict right?

Another argument I'm an addict. "She's emotional and frustrated." All I have to say is. Duh. You are talking to someone who just attempted suicide Thanksgiving 2010, is in pain 24 hours a day, and who has gone from running in the backyard with her great dane, to having to use a walker to get to the bathroom (if she makes it to the bathroom) in a matter of months. In addition, noone can figure out what is causing the pain. Can anyone in their right mind say they would not be emotional or frustrated? Angry even? The idiocy of it blows me away.

So check it out, one major outburst, and I'm accused of ony wanting more pain killers. Forget that I had my entire prescription of them with me in my purse, and was I trying to take them? No. Did I ever say anything about painkillers? No. *slams head on keyboard*

What makes me feel so frustrated, is knowing that my mom is watching my every move to make sure that I am indeed, not a morphine addict. Because I know my mom. And while she knows with every fiber of her being that I am in pain, and that I don't voice nearly as much as I am in, what that nurse bitch said to her is going to reverberate in her mind and make her question it. "Am I right?" "Does my daughter have a prescription drug problem?" And I want to scream so hard "NO! NO NO NO!" But I know the more I protest, the more they just look at me as though I do.


I don't understand why I have to force myself to suffer in order to prove a point to these assholes.

I got a call today from Dr. Shustov's scheduler. Well. I guess it is his scheduler. I know Micheal is still there but apparently he isn't my scheduler anymore.

Karen has scheduled me for a follow-up visit next Monday. Blood draw at noon, Dr. Shustov and her at 1:00 p.m. I don't even know how to feel about that. I had to ask my sister for her opinion, and was glad to hear that she had the same opinion I did. It would be best to go to blood draw, and if I felt overwhelmed or like I would be unable to control my anger and frustration, to just jet.

I also have the idea that, I said I wasn't interested in an appointment, but they scheduled me for one anyway. That not only shows me that they 1) don't know how to listen, but 2) they have no respect for my feelings or opinions. I know right now, that if I even started getting lectured in any respect I would have no control over myself. I already want to scream at them, going there just seems like a stupid idea.

So I'm stuck on the topic. I'll be talking about it with my mom either tonight or tomorrow depending on whether I am awake or not. Probably not. The beauty of ambien.


Through all of that, I know I am still lucky, because I could have it worse. Things can always be worse.

I was reminded of that yesterday talking on the phone with my best friend in Alaska. She is currently in the hospitol, and looking at a very long in-patient stay. Most people think one week is an eternity. I used to laugh at them on the inside and have a wave of pity for the non-understanding. I've spent months in the hospitol, but she is on track to have me beat. I wish so much that she didn't have to be there. There's a part of me that just wishes that all of the crap I've had to deal with was enough for all of the people I care about to not have to go through it. You know? One of those 'this is so crazy, noone should have to deal with this' feelings.

And even though I wish desperately that she didn't have to be there, with the circumstances, I hope she gets to spend every day safely there. To wish otherwise, would be to wish her unborn child would come early, and there is NO way I want to risk either her life, or her son's life on such a silly wish, as to not have her stay in a hospitol. Even though they suck, sometimes when it's quiet, it's nice. I can imagine that after Connor is born and at home, and she is so busy taking care of Justin and Connor, that she might think back to these days in the hospitol of laying back and feeling so frustrated and likely laugh.

There is SO much to be said about being home, and being around everything familiar. But there is also something to be said about having housekeeping, a full kitchen staff with set mealtimes that you don't have to set anything up for, and for nurses that all try to make you feel comfortable. Well, mostly all that try to make you feel comfortable. Some of them just need to be kicked in the Vagina. Yea, I said it.

I'm not saying all nurses need to be kicked in the Vagina, so no hatemail about how you are a nurse and blah blah blah. I don't care so your message is just going to go into the circular filing system (the trashcan). If you are a nurse than you know more than anyone that some nurses just need one big giant kick. Not ALL, just SOME. Afterall.. nurses aren't politicians.

What? Oh nothing.


Got to chat very briefly with my husband today. Mostly involving him wanting to know what I could have POSSIBLY spent $10 on (Geocaching app). I love him so much, but I so often feel as though he is criticizing my every move and that makes me want to just smack him. But he's a little out of reach being overseas. So he is safe for now.

It's hard for me to remember that he isn't trying to hurt me. I mean, he never EVER tries to hurt me. Nine times out of ten it is all in how I am interpreting what he says, or how he says whatever it is. It is something we have struggled with greatly as a couple for many years. Ever since we were dating actually. I remember one time we were together in public and he just didn't feel like holding hands. I remember thinking he was trying to tell me he didn't really like me at all, or that he was nothing but embarassed to be in public with me. Gah see, my mind is already spiralling around going "Maybe he really was, no, he didn't mean that it was nothing about me, he just wasn't comfortable with it. How do you know what? He could be lying." It's a CRAZY cycle that just never stops.

But if I start going into all of othat right now, I seriously won't end up hitting the 'Post' button.


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