March 3rd, 2011
I'm hoping to get out of isolation restriction within the next couple of days.
I've been in the hospitol now for a little while, somehow it feels like I've always been here. I wonder if I ever actually leave or if those are just dreams?
Yesterday morning they performed a lumbar puncture in order to check my spinal fluid. Preliminary results showed white cells were in fact in my spinal fluid. The doctor tells me, "Meningitis". What can be done for it? Exactly what they are already doing to clear up the shingles that my body can't seem to get ahold of on it's own.
I've spent most of today sleeping, just naturally sleeping. It felt really nice to not be woken up every few hours.
This morning at some ungodly hour I was woken up by my nurse Charlotte who was very sweet over the speaker in my room. I was in the middle of REM sleep, In my dream, I had just been shot and had fallen to the pavement outside a store. In my dream, I heard my name, "Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria," like the vibrating sound of an Angel about to tell you that you can finally quit suffering. Then I woke up, and realized the voice was coming from the speaker above my bed. And i was, indeed, in the Hospitol.
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Emotionally I am having a very hard time not feeling bitter. This morning I was very down. I've felt a mixture between feeling completely hopeless, and then absolutely detached, and then accepting, and then back to feeling hopeless.
I feel like everytime I make a breakthrough, every single time I feel like I am making progress towards my life goals, I get SLAMMED back. And people tell me "this is just a curveball, you'll get around it!". Of COURSE I'll get around it, but what next? What is going to happen next time? All I can say is something GREAT better be happening this year. I am hoping this is leading to something good.
That this is serving another purpose that I just don't know yet.
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I just got up to use the restroom. This infusion of meds was started a little while ago, and my arm has felt funy since it started. I ignored it, and I have been keeping the lights off in my room because of the extreme sensitivity to light that I am having. Well, it's got a nice huge lump going on, and I'm not entirely happy about it.
I used the call button, and told them that my IV is blowing. I've had this IV since the first of March, and it is almost the fourth.
The nurse that came in wasn't my nurse. It wss a black male student nurse, whose name I cannot remember. Bachary? Thackery? Zachary? Something like that. What I know Is that he took a look at it, and I still had to point out the huge hard, growing in size lump that is continuing to grow in my arm. Somehow, I don't think it's a good thing.
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On another note, my room borders a poor guy who had a really bad stroke (at least that's all I've been told). He gets frustrated, and so he starts yelling. Or rather, howling. If he isn't howling, his music is loud. Loud and extremely annoying. Right now, he seems to be having an issue as well, He's howling. And it's not helping my mood with my arm.
I do not want to explode on these people.
I can stay in control of my emotions and my reactions.
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Why do they say "Get involved in your healthcare" when they don't want you involved?
I'm effing pissed.
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God bless my mother, who is stopping by McDonald's on her way home from work to bring me two cheeseburgers and a coca-cola. The sad thing is, I'm not hungry. Not in the slightest bit. Just thirsty as crap. I have downed over four liters of fluids in the last few hours.
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I don't know why my arm doesn't hurt when it is obvious that the IV is infiltrating. The nurse just came in, she apologized for taking so long, but took only a couple of looks at it and stopped the IV. A new one will have to be started because the medication is a must-have. Meningitis doesn't mess around, and I don't want to mess around with my brain. I happen to love my brain. As should everyone.
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