Friday, March 4, 2011

Day 20: Look Ma! I'm a Pincushion!

March 4th, 2011

EARLY in the a.m. Bachary (the male student nurse) performed his first IV. On me. In one stick. He is a superstar.

Very sweet, very concentrated, very concerned that he was hurting me at all. Not fussing with only the showy superficial veins you can see through the skin easily (that it seems SO many go for because apparently noone teaches people how to stick by touch anymore). He found the one he wanted, tested it, and followed through. It wasn't perfect, he was obviously very nervous but he did a great job. I've had a lot of IV's, I've had 3 successful IV's and I'm not even sure how many unsuccessful attempts. I know I've got bruises all over my arms and hands.


Later on in the a.m. when I woke up from one of my many night-time hourly naps between vitals or blood draws, or hanging a new dose of IV antivirals, I was actually able to look side to side and up and down without feeling the intense stiffness in my neck. Still feeling pain through my collarbone and shoulder, but I'll take the small accomplishments.


Everyone complains that my room is too hot, but I'm comfortable! It's set at 80*F in my room. Or at least it was, now it is set at 72*F and I'm getting seriously cold. The Texas heat ruined me. I like it hot.


I am starting to write my book. At least that is giving me a focus for right now.


The draft was saved at 3:00 p.m. I fell asleep and then slept until Dr. Chung woke me up at my bedside. He is handsome, no lie. Somehow I am blessed with a bevy of handsome doctors. I almost feel like I have my own little harem of hot doctors. *chuckle*

He asked me how I felt about going home today. I told him how I felt depended on what it was going to take to make sure I didn't get sick again. (Howler is just going and going and I am swiftly losing my patience with it. Stroke or no, he can have a LITTLE conscientiousness about the rooms adjacent to him and quit howling ALL THE TIME). Truth be told I'm nervous about going home. I always get nervous about leaving the hospitol.

Basically he went over what Dr. Eeny had said. I would need a PICC line. I've had one before, but that doesn't make me excited for another. I told him that I would have to get ahold of my mom.


I feel like such a little kid, always having to say "I have to call my mom," or having to tell people I live with my mom, or always having to have my mom there. I don't just have to, I also choose to. She is my best friend besides being my mom, and my biggest supporter. She has been with me through everything. Even when we were estranged she was there for me as much as I would let her be. Do I want to be living with my mom? I love being with my mom, I love living with my mom, I love my mom. She accepts me for who I am, and knows when I am upset to not take me personally, even if it's hard.


After Dr. Chung left, I fell asleep again until Dr. Eeny came in. He affirmed that the plan was for me to get a PICC line tonight, and be discharged in the morning. Well! Goodness! Ok!

So I called my mom, left her a message knowing she was busy at work, and all of a sudden, in walked a nurse letting me know they were there to do my PICC line. Right then! AH HAH! Hah. hah. hrm. ok. I went with it. I told them before how my first PICC line after months of use the skin became infected at the entry site and they were going to insert one in my left arm, but there was no appropriate vein.

They decided they would check, I have no problem with that. They found one they thought would work, got everything set up, and then SHA-BAM! The vein disappeared. Yep. And there is no vein on the right apparently right now either that is appropriate. So, I am S.O.L. on a PICC line for now. A little bit glad, hopefully my mom can be here with me tomorrow when we find out what is going to happen next. Tomorrow is Saturday, so are we going to have to wait until Monday? Who knows.

What I do know, is that I need...

CHRIST! I almost had a massive breakdown heart attack. The nurse was leaving my room and I looked up at the news right as they said a soldier's name and rank who just died overseas. The soldier held the same rank and last name as my husband, and that is all that I heard. My heart dropped to my knees since that was the end of the segment. I didn't hear where it happened, or what the full name of the soldier was. I googled it immediately, obviously if it was on the news it would come up- and it did. Thankfully it was not my husband, but my heart still hurts for the soldiers family and friends.

I have no idea what I was going to say before that just happened. I've reread above and I still have no idea what I was going to say I need. All I can think about is my husband right now, and it is very hard for me to do much of anything. I get very sad, lonely, scared, frustrated, upset, did I mention scared? Not only for his well-being, but for mine, for our future. I don't feel full of hope right now. I feel kind of empty. I feel like I'm a dancer in an elaborately choreographed ballet. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a solo dance, and even know I know my partner is backstage, I can't reach him, and the spotlight is blinding me. Spinning wildly. Chaos.

I'm not sure how but that brougth me full circle in thought to Dr. Eeny. I am off isolation restriction. There's a small part of my mind doing the happy dance.

I'm sorry, I'm just not in the mood to type anymore. The fear of that news broadcast took a lot out of me. I think I just want to sleep now. Hope for happy dreams.

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